Okay.. so the story you fucking jackals desire from the pit of your filthy loins.

At work, there are two ladies. There's actually rather more than that but I will not pander to you lot... I refuse to do it.

The two that we are concerned with for this very story today are... for the sake of this diary... named Lena and.. hell I dunno.. Minka. Clearly those are their real names.

Leena is a bookish sort of girl with a secret wild streak. She's very well read, sly, entertaining, and quick witted.

Minka has frightening breasts... I do not say this as a typical male thing to say, if she had some sort of other personality redeeming qualities I would list those first. She's not completely a lost lamb I guess... it's just... she's vapid. It's almost as though she performs that way because that's what she thinks people expect from her. (I also hear from her best friend who works here that her husband abuses her, but I don't know if that's true.)

So, anyway, Minka's frightening breasts are always massive and exposed. I mean almost to the areola exposed.

Minka has always been friendly but we don't have a lot in common other than the fact that I playfully mock her and she obligingly giggles and doesn't take me to HR. It's a pretty sweet deal really...

Leena however is kinda like a buddy. I hang out with her outside of work from time to time, but not all that often. Her boyfriend also works here and he's a pretty good guy so, you know, nothing like that.. but I am adorable so I get some mild basic flirting from her in a way. You know, the meaningless "makes work go by faster" style banter; so you know entertaining and all that.

Well.. apparently, unbeknownst to yours triz-to-the-whoooly, there's a little rivalry and competition happening between Minka and Leena. I walked into the office the other day and over the wall I heard Minka shout out, "Q? What are you wearing?!"

I thought to myself... is she going to start charging me 2.50 a minute? Rather than proffer my credit card, I inquired further, "Uh... what exactly do you mean?" Maybe she noticed I was wearing tennis shoes on a non-casual non-friday. Damn her, damn her to hell! Now I'd have to update my resume. RED ALERT! SEND OUT THE ASSASSINS!

"What cologne are you wearing? It's driving me crazy?!" Whew, disregard red alert. Call back the trained monkeys...

"Cologne?" I said cheekily, "That isn't cologne, that's pheromones baby..." It's cologne. Don't tell.

She bolts over the wall and inhales sharply. "It's been driving me crazy this whole time!"

She gives me the big vapid OMGLOLZ0R!!! eyes all fluttery like, trying to claw me into her void of a web... I am a smart Q and I dodge all hodge podge and just do the shift trick.

Somehow the information that I produce serious wetness via scent is flittered through the female vine and I'm passed about the aisles like a fucking community personal massager or something. I had more noses close to me than I was comfy with. (Okay, I'm half-lying, it was as flattering as it was unnerving).

So Minka makes this her deal for the day; trying to bring it up coquettishly and whatnot, but I'm not budging.

Sometime, towards the end of the day, Leena comes over to me all angrylike.

"You know why she's doing that don't you?"

I'd forgotten all about the whole deal in my desire to shirk work... so I apparently boggled as she continued.

"Minka. Look I know this is totally 8th grade but I figure it will amuse you so... she knows I like you, but I can't stand her. So she's trying to get your attention to pull a neener neener on me. She does NOT get to do that, she needs to back off because you are MINE!"

Well hell folks, how can you argue with that?

So apparently between the hours of 9 and 6 I'm taken.. and only for flirting. Shit, I'm gonna need an excel spreadsheet and maybe some Outlook scheduled meetings to keep track of all this.

Good thing they're both completely taken otherwise it would be even more amusing to me and I'd probably wet myself publicly... no one needs that man, serious.

-Q

p.s. please regale me with your amusing tales that I'm looking forward to refuting because I'm sure you'll get them terribly wrong.

also shoot me a message. At that place. You know the one.